wednesday morning, feeling a little bit better.

my problem is this: i don't read the entire story. i don't absorb all of the facts or hit the minutiae, so i generally walk around with half of the story if i'm lucky, mostly just the gist. this prevents me from getting too deep, too overwhelmed, it keeps me on the surface, close to the exit. and it's about time i abandon my plans for escape. i feel as though most of my life has been lived superficially, with my back to the door, ready to make a break for it if it's not cool enough or it's too draggy. i want to bail when it's too hard or i fuck up or i lag behind. i say one snappy thing and suddenly it's all too much. i miss a few assignments and i want to withdrawal.

i have lacked commitment. i can no longer lack commitment, to my life or pursuits or time schedule or town or relationship or school, or anything. i enter into wonderful things, only i am too afraid of being consumed by them so i stay in the shallow end.

this is an excellent opportunity for me to begin reading the whole article, staying until the end, humbling myself when i have made a mistake, learning the entire concept, and sticking in there. when i do this, i feel i will be able to trust myself, trust what i know and how i do it, and then i will trust where my feet fall next.

i have a strange feeling of empowerment this morning, like a shift is occurring.