lately it seems i’m in the middle of a giant tug-of-war. i push two steps ahead and get knocked back a few more. and again and again, sometimes in the span of a few hours. right now i really feel deflated. i feel like i’ve just been dumped, that same feeling of powerless, dejected silence. what really gets me is that for everything that makes me feel this way, something sneaks up to turn it all around. i find out today sarah’s isp plan may not work, then i find out the website is up and running. then i find out i may not be headed to Thailand in the spring like i was hoping. this is the real gut-wrencher. the thought of going back to bkk has been propelling me forward much of the time, the thought of walking through the city again, taking afternoon tea with friends and staying out all night listening to live music, trips up to chiang mai to see a friend’s new flat, seeing work on the school. i’m not too horrified at all of this, it just means that i’ll have to find another way to get there.

Nashville, to take a moment of praise for the present, is beautiful. today it’s warm and grey. all of the leaves have turned long ago, but not all of them have fallen, and tonight it spit a few drops of rain, but not enough to be discouraging. i browsed the vintage store on Elliston, lamented that i won’t be here for rehab’s show at exit/in on the 6^th, picked up a cd for a friend at the great escape music store, and browsed a few more boutiques. i love everything this city has to offer.