sunday morning

i woke up this morning, made a pot of coffee, and sat at the computer to read the news and check myspace. i am desperate to go back to florida; it’s the first thought in my mind when i wake up.
this particular sunday morning, however, has left me feeling desperate and limp; the front page of the Times website is a bullet-riddled minibus that was carrying Lebanese refugees. the Lebanon Daily Star blares “LEBANON UNDER ATTACK” on the main page. The Ha’aretz Daily out of Israel screams the same thing, different slant.
An NPR radio story described the Lebanese divers who pull bodies from the river, daily. They are given no gloves, they have no life jackets, and they are not paid. It is their “religious duty” to do this for their slain brothers and sisters. Families of those missing post photographs on boards near where the bodies are brought; that image struck most with me. To know the chances that my father or brother or lover ending up in a river are greater than ending up by my side again brings such a penetrating sadness, I find it hard to breathe.
And at the same time, this fight is not the only thing going on in the world today. People are falling in love; the Tour de France is completing its run, led by an American; new masterpieces are being composed; a Prairie Home Companion on the radio. It confuses me.  My own sadnesses and longings seem to pale in comparison, but in owning these feelings it’s difficult to dismiss them that easily. Are we all competing for the right to feel?