the longest wednesday

i feel so sad to be coming back to the states, to be leaving Thailand, to leave the friends i have made. i’m afraid that something will make this past month a dream, not real, all of it manufactured. the people gone, the food replaced, the sounds watered down, the culture washed out. i’m afraid to sleep lest i wake up and it’s all gone. i’ve cried a lot today, weeping in airplane fluorescent bathrooms, hot tears and stinging pain in my chest, my sinuses filling with cement at the loss if it all, even if it’s not really gone. the us has a way of ripping the soul out of things, including airplane passengers, wandering bleary-eyed around airports, yelling security guards and EVERYONE ON CELL PHONES, even me. i am heartsick and heartbroken.