it's 3:30 inthe morning in shaftsbury, vermont. cold and raining, as it has been since thursday. i can't sleep. it's probably about 2:30 monday afternoon in thailand. my body is so geeked it's not on thai or vermont time; i sleep 3 hours here, 13 hours there, 4 hours here, 10 there, none right now. no amount of the police or chamomile tea can get me down now, nor can i walk outside for the inclimate weather. no one's online, and i have no phone service to call.
all of this translates into a sense of bitter letdown and lonliness.
i feel pretty purposeless here. the plan was to kayak for a long weekend before facing the firing squad back home, and it has turned into an exercise in watching rain drip from the eaves of the roof. it has been good, though, to hang out with my friend vermont. she's a hoot to listen to, which is good since i'm not up for a lot of talking right now. i've been thinking about friendship after watching some new ones interact, and i want to be a good friend like that. always there, able to be supportive without judgment of the others' values, accepting of the differences. i feel as though i am operating with fewer shortcomings right now, and it feels nice, lighter. i don't have to be whatever just to be whatever. i am envious of people who can mosey around without a seeming notice to other people's judgments, while i feel ever aware of them. that, of course, translates into my own judgments, and it's no suprise then that when i judge less, i feel less judged.
i'm wearing the same blue jeans, polo shirt and brown cardigan i've been in since friday, my right foot is falling asleep, and my head is buzzing about any number of things. i don't really want to read my book of irish history, nor do i want to read the didion book i haven't started. i want to pick up the phone, to jump across the ocean, to go back to a moment, to reverse an event. to know an answer. to see dawn break, soon, and get this day going. i really want to float on the middle of lake shaftsbury, weightless in a bright red plastic kayak, and stare at the green mountains, the clouds and the sky and the trees and my feet. i want to go home, cry.