personal terrorism

my own form of terrorism has been judgment on my peers.
i judge those who have what i don’t, those to whom i feel superior, those to whom i feel inferior, those who i don’t understand, those who terrify me. i scoff at men and women, at couples, at the elderly and the weak; and exposed flesh is my in for devious and hateful thoughts.
defects are assets taken to extremes. there are several reasons behind my lambastings; it’s a reflection of my fears and insecurities, it’s a protective waxy coating over the sensitive spots.
an asset of mine is the desire to grow and continue in personal enrichment. alternately, my fear is that i’ll stop growing and wake up at 40, fat, wearing a muu-muu and feeding my 18 cats out of china and crystal. the fear then spurs a psychotic compulsion to dosearchlookanalyze, which leaks out of my own perimeter and spills onto anyone next to me.
a painful spot for me has been the choice/non-choice of remaining solo. the push/pull that has occurred for years in me has resulted in gnawing disapproval of phrases that include “..my boyfriend..” or “..my girlfriend..,” simply because a) i didn’t have that and b) it often rings as insincere and c) i can’t fathom how some people could begin to scratch the surface of the feelings i deem necessary for a true love. or i’m just jealous.
having entered a place where i’m not compulsively doing (or it’s not as apparent) and i  am developing a relationship with a man, i am listening to the same horrible voice i projected at others, only now it’s pointed inward. not cool how it takes my own experience to show me how ugly i’ve been towards others, but such is the human experience.
the reversal of this doesn’t have to take ages. i may always feel a twinge of something when i see clichés walking around, or i may always have subtle doubts of others’ sincerities, but that may also be my subtle acknowledgement of someone’s insincerity. regardless, the journey toward compassion has advanced a step or two, and i feel softer.
living amends.